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The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby sharpey » 21 Jun 2014, 19:27

Same two nuns in a bath. One says " Where's the soap??" Other says "It does, doesn't it....."
There's more to fishing than catching fish...
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby The Wiganner » 23 Jun 2014, 17:42

Advert seen in a local magazine:

Gentleman with crabs would like to meet rich lady.
Object? To open a cheap seafood restaurant.
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby The Wiganner » 26 Jun 2014, 08:41

Little lad going round the zoo with his mum and dad. Dad nips off for a pint, like you do, and mum takes her son into the elephant house. She starts to explain about the big ears for good hearing, the trunk for eating buns and washing itself with etc. Then the lad says, but what about that dangly bit at the back mum? What's that? Nothing says the mother, we don't bother about that, it's not important. Later on the dad returns and the lad starts to tell him all about what he'd learned. The ears, the trunk etc. now you see that dangly bit at the back dad?, well me mum says that's nothing. Aye son, says the dad, thi mother's bin spoiled.
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby The Wiganner » 26 Jun 2014, 08:49

A Labrador, Rotweiller and an Alsatian all sat in the vets. what you here for? the Rotty says to the Labrador. I'm 15 now, my back legs have gone and I'm peeing everywhere so I'm being put down. What about you? Well you know us, now and again we snap. I chewed a kiddy the other day so they're putting me down too. The Alsatian says, my owners a big busted blonde and the other day she was bent over the washing basket.... had to go there, just couldn't resist. So are they putting you down as well? Oh no, he says. I'm having me claws done.
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby PJ_coursefishing » 29 Jun 2014, 14:49

If I catch fish and love it I am an.... Angling Addicts :fishing: :cheer:

What if I don't catch fish, or I lose a fish!!! Am I an..... Angling Hadict? ???

:box: OK it was only a joke :black:

Well I thought it was funny :lmao:

Here is my wife... not laughing :nonono:
Fishing and nature go hand in hand there is so much to see and enjoy. Catching fish is a bonus.
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby PJ_coursefishing » 29 Jun 2014, 20:31

A few quick fishy jokes to test the water!

Question:
How do you communicate with a fish?

Answer:
Drop it a line!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Question:
Where do fish sleep?

Answer:
In a river bed

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A man is out fishing in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard!

He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!

After an hour or so, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it!

The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?"

The other man yells back, "They're not whores ... they're my sisters
Fishing and nature go hand in hand there is so much to see and enjoy. Catching fish is a bonus.
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby sharpey » 29 Jun 2014, 21:46

Been in the crackers early then....???
There's more to fishing than catching fish...
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby PJ_coursefishing » 29 Jun 2014, 22:18

sharpey wrote:Been in the crackers early then....???


No! I am crackers, thats crackers not craggers :yeah2:
Fishing and nature go hand in hand there is so much to see and enjoy. Catching fish is a bonus.
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby PJ_coursefishing » 02 Jul 2014, 16:38

:yeah2:

I got a new rod and reel for my wife :thumb:

...best trade I ever made :lmao:
Fishing and nature go hand in hand there is so much to see and enjoy. Catching fish is a bonus.
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby ant » 08 Jul 2014, 12:48

The second one made me cry with laughter, I s**t you not...

Here are some customer comments from Amazon from people who used Veet for Men hair removal gel .
Some of them are worthy of shortlisting for a Booker Prize . Hilarious .

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

31,622 of 32,007 people found the following review helpful
DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS
By Andrew on 24 Jan 2012
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)
1,431 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
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2,294 of 9,611 people found the following review helpful
Oh the shame....
By A. Chappell on 3 July 2012
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
590 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
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5,547 of 6,142 people found the following review helpful
LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION
By The Cantankerous Tiger on 17 April 2012
I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.

In summary:

Pros: A small expense, certainly didn't burn a hole in my pocket.

Cons: Did burn a hole in my scrotum

All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars.
142 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
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156 of 173 people found the following review helpful
Fantastic Reviewers
By J Boronte on 26 April 2012
Haven't laughed so much in years! You lot are hysterical - can't you all get together and write a book? You'd make a fortune and Tena pads would too!
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2,213 of 2,464 people found the following review helpful
Good results at first interrogation
By Mr. H. A. Outhwaite on 25 April 2012
Excellent product. Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application. Can recommend.

Yours,
Ali Muhabarakah,
Secret Police, Damascus
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3,024 of 3,380 people found the following review helpful
Increased Sports Performance Bonus
By Tagnutt Mandeville on 24 April 2012
As a highly competitive amateur athlete, I have long been aware of the benefits of a highly polished scrotum pole and hair-free saddle-bags, especially when going for the `longer look' as displayed by Linford in his famous lunchbox.

Previously I had used the old-school method of a cutthroat razor, but as you can imagine, this was a tricky and delicate operation, and to make matters worse, it was difficult to get into a comfortable position in the chair at my local Barbers. Anyway, I am quite hairy down there and my snippet valve looks like Brian May's plughole so eventually the Barber said he could no longer perform the task for me. He also said that looking up my whizzer every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat.

He did not want to leave me in the lurch and said that he had read some excellent reviews on Amazon about Veet for men and suggested I give it try.

Like many other reviewers, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my cock eggs, barse and nipsy with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul stench of dissolving clinkers and melting hair that brought me to my senses. As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds. This presented me with a problem, as when the searing pain began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom. It was as if I had lowered my under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.

I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared.

When I looked at my watch again, I realised how quickly I had made it up the stairs and the idea dawned on me that I had discovered a 100% legal sports performance enhancer. Now when I compete in a competition I dab a small amount around my Samantha Janus and taint exactly 6 minutes before the race is due to start. If I am doing the hurdles, I change the ratio and put more on my barse to make me jump higher. This proved to be particularly effective a couple of weeks ago, as after crossing the hurdles finish line, I accidentally won the high jump and steeple chase too, looking for the water jump to wash the stuff off.

Now I can hear you all thinking that none of this is particularly extraordinary, especially given the reviews that you have already read. However, when I tell you that I am 45 years old, 5' 4" tall and weigh 15 stone, and I used to do the shot-put that should put things into context. As this is an Olympic year I think Tagnutt and Mandeville or whatever their names are, should be redesigned with hairless nether-regions and the British squad should use my technique and be sponsored by Veet, although I don't recommend it for the beach volley ball team.

5 Stars from me.
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See all 803 customer reviews (newest first) on Amazon.co.uk
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