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The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby Bruce » 10 Apr 2015, 13:33

At a local bar in downtown Texas,...
the owner & bartender, was so sure that he
was the strongest man around,
that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and then hand the lemon to the patron.
Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.
Many people had tried,.....over the years:
weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.
After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge,
he said in a small voice:

"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said:
"Ok,..."
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed...
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the Crowd's laughter so turned to total silence....
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000,
and then asked little man:
"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for the Inland Revenue ”
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby prem » 27 Apr 2015, 20:12

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am the rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.”
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby grumpyppops1 » 27 Apr 2015, 20:15

prem wrote:A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am the rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.”
get away with that one :thumb:
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby Settle Simon » 27 Apr 2015, 20:19

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer yesterday, I don't know what he laced them with but i have been tripping all day!
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby IlkestonFishing » 10 Aug 2015, 15:54

Lol oh dear, I think the first joke in this thread has set the tone lol.
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby sharpey » 10 Aug 2015, 18:20

It appears my missus hasn't got Tourette's. I am a tw@t and she does want me to pi$$ off......??


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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby Willpower » 10 Aug 2015, 23:51

You appeared from no where and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body.

You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone.

I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........ Bloody Mosquito...
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby grandadruss » 01 Sep 2015, 18:36

I've just deleted all the Germans from my mobile phone list.
Yep I've gone Hans Free :lmao:
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby grumpyppops1 » 01 Sep 2015, 18:44

grandadruss wrote:I've just deleted all the Germans from my mobile phone list.
Yep I've gone Hans Free :lmao:

Ve have vays of makiny you lafff
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby sharpey » 01 Sep 2015, 23:42

Joke of the year at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival eh Russ..???


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