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The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby sharpey » 12 Nov 2014, 12:22

Just heard this morning that the inventor of predictive texts has passed away.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial


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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby grandadruss » 13 Nov 2014, 12:45

:lmao: :lmao:
Like it mate :D
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby millsy » 22 Dec 2014, 00:33

How do you turn a duck into a black soul singer ?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers :cheer: :cheer: :lmao:
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby grandadruss » 07 Jan 2015, 17:33

millsy wrote:How do you turn a duck into a black soul singer ?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers :cheer: :cheer: :lmao:

:lmao:
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby abbo » 31 Jan 2015, 22:20

Last week I painted my back room orange. I went in there this morning and it's peeled.

I'll get my coat :cheer:
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby grumpyppops1 » 31 Jan 2015, 22:40

abbo wrote:Last week I painted my back room orange. I went in there this morning and it's peeled.

I'll get my coat :cheer:
should think so too :groan:
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby Settle Simon » 27 Feb 2015, 21:50

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks
into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman

Good day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Welshman: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Englishman.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Welshman: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Welshman: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
from the Elements.'

Welshman: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'


Welshman: (in a panic) ''The sheep's a bloody liar whatever he tells you”......
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby Settle Simon » 27 Feb 2015, 21:54

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant
who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters
the store, glances at the shop assistant
and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread,
he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder
to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view,
just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread,
one of the other male customers notices what's going on
and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down
and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"


"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little.
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby abbo » 10 Apr 2015, 12:59

The other week I wanted to look at the eclipse. I had no protective glasses so I used a colander.

I'm an idiot, I think I've strained my eyes :D
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Re: The joke thread **WARNING** contains Adult humour

Postby Bruce » 10 Apr 2015, 13:30

Life does not always get better just because you are the boss!

The Receiver of Revenue suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".












Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?
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